Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
