our cab driver is having phone sex.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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