im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
