The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
