I will die if light touches me.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
