So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
