just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
