I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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