Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
