I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
