even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Randomize
