At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
