it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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