If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
