She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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