This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
