I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
