I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
