so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
