I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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