Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
