Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
