My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
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