I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
