Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
