we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
