I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
