her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
