tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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