You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
