Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
