You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
