Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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