My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
