dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I can't put those talents on a resume
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
