And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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