Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
he thought i was a dude.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
