I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
