is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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