please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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