she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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