Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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