Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
