UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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