wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
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