i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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