She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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