do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
