i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
This baby is an asshole
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
