If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
