Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
