I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
