drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
