Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
so much tequila, so little girl.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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