What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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